Wednesday, March 30, 2011

A million tears...and a million smiles.

Over the past 5.5 months, I mist have cried a million tears. In the beginning, I literally cried so much that the skin below my eyes peeled off...sounds gross, but it's true. I used to cry myself to sleep every night. I still do on occasion. I actually slept while snuggling one of XXX's blankets. I did it, because it smelled like her. One of the hardest parts to every day is the 30 minute drive home from Dad and Lori's house. I kiss my daughter goodnight...and then I leave. Most of the time, I'm crying before I even leave the driveway. My glasses almost always have dried tears on them. I never used to be able to cry. I guess XXX taught me that it is ok to break down. I still try to be strong, but it's ok when I'm not.

While I have cried a million tears since October, I've also smiled a million smiles! XXX is such a joy to be around. You can't help but smile when you are in her presence. She us so funny...she will do things and then laugh at herself...which is even funnier!

This afternoon, I was in the midst of a pity party. XXX was in her exersaucer. I was thinking about how much this whole situation sucks. I had tears in my eyes. XXX must have known that I needed her. It wasn't a few minutes later that XXXX said her first word..."mama" and she reached for me. My tears of sadness quickly changed to tears of joy, as I scooped her up in my arms. She squealed in delight, as I covered her in a million kisses! I'm so thankful to have these moments with her! I just wish she was lying here next to me...snuggling with me. I can't change it just yet. But...soon...she will be home, where she belongs!!

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