Changes to the site...

So, you may have noticed that there are no more pictures on this page.  My attorney called to tell me that the DCFS attorney's are pissed off that I have a website about my daughter up.  Apparantly, they have a policy that kids that are in "the system" cannot have their images or likeness posted on the internet.  So, I was told that I have to take the page down.  Instead of simply removing the blog, because I think it is important for people to know about the injustice that happens so frequently, I have taken down all pictures of my daughter.  Additionally, I have edited every blog post to take out her name.  You will notice lots of XXXs in the blog from now on.  That is in place of my beautiful little girl's name.  I think this is ridiculous.  She is still my daughter.  I believe that i have the right to post her pictures and tell my own story.  BUT, the state of Illinois feels it is necessary to strip me of all of my rights.  I thought there was a 1st ammendment to the constitution, I guess I was wrong. 

I also went through and deleted all comments.  Many people mentioned her name, so I went ahead and deleted them, so I can't get in trouble for that.  UGH!

There isn't anything new to report on the case, really.  I spoke with my attorney, and he is in the process of getting our adjudication hearing scheduled.  Basically, this is a trial in front of a local judge.  She can either say "send XXX home, this is absurd" or she can uphold DCFS's decision to remove her.  Even if she upholds the decision to remove her (known as adjudication), she will most likely leave it up to my caseworker to determine when XXX can come home.  Let's just get this ball rolling.  The past 7 months have been a nightmare, and it is time for me and my entire family to wake up from it!

I'm one proud mamma!

Through all of this nonsense, I keep reminding myself that I am still XXX's mommie! I always will be. I watch her grow and develop daily, and it amazes me. My beautiful daughter is, well, perfect! I love her so much.

This week, she learned something new...she started to crawl! Last Monday was the first time she did it. Last night, I managed to catch it on camera. I thought I'd share my proud mamma moment with you. By the way...how many "shaken babies" are able to crawl at 7 months???? Yeah, I didn't think so! Anyway, here's my princess crawling!!




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It could always be worse...

So, I'm having a really rough day. I'm trying to hold it together, with marginal success. I'm searching for the positive in the situation. Here's what I've come up with...

It could be worse!

It could be worse...if XXX had been placed in a regular foster home, I would only get to see her once a week for two hours. As it is, I see her every day. If I'm not at work, I'm with my baby. I stay until she goes to bed at night. I kiss her before bed and rock her to sleep. I see her smiles and hear her giggles daily.

It could be worse... I still make all parenting decisions. I decided when to start solids, which order to try them in, etc. I decide as much as possible. My parents allow me to do this, yet they don't have to. They made sure I was the first to take her to the park, first to give her a bite of real food, and first to put her in the big girl bath tub.

It could be worse... She could have lasting neurological deficits from her seizures or birth trauma, but she doesn't! She's smart as a whip and exceeding all developmental milestones. She is seizure free. She's healthy and happy.

It could be worse... 4 years ago, my brother and sister in law experienced a loss like no other. My beautiful nephew, Hunter, went to Heaven. He was only 5 months old, when he died from SIDS. Fred and Angie can never snuggle with their baby again. They missed so many milestones. I get to snuggle with XXX tonight. I will see all of her milestones and plan her birthday parties.


Life could be so much worse. Until XXX is home, I am going to try really hard to focus on the positives...and I'll cover my baby girl in lots and lots of kisses!



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The battle continues...

So, I got a call from my caseworker this morning. She looked in the computer and saw that my case was indicated. I'm devastated...but I must keep fighting. I should receive the official letter sometime this week. I just don't understand how they could do this. I don't get it. Apparently, they are not able to see the bigger picture. Birth is an incredibly cruel process to babies. It causes neonatal intracranial hemorrhage. It happens in 1 in 4 vaginal births. Dr. Petrak us a quack! She was wrong with Baby Jacob, and she's wrong with Baby XXXX. I will prove it somehow. It certainly doesn't help that they refuse to allow me a 2nd medical opinion. Ack! I freaking hate this.

I have a call in to my attorney to find out what happens next. I know we will have an opportunity to appeal in front of a judge. Hopefully, she will be able to look at this with open eyes.

So, the battle continues for now. They may have won this battle, but I will win the war!


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My beautiful little girl!

So, I'm laying in bed, and I can't sleep. I keep thinking about everything...and mostly, I'm missing my baby. I was looking through the pictures that I took today, and I was blown away by how beautiful my daughter is! She is so happy, and that all shows through her smile.

Here is my favorite picture from today.


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I don't think it is possible for someone to be more in love with her baby!

Soon, she'll be home...and snuggling in my arms forever!!

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No news is good news???

There is a saying that goes, "no news is good news.". Im hoping this holds true in my case.

I spoke with my caseworker today. She told me that she has been checking the computer system daily to see whether a decision has been made in my case yet. As of this morning, the status of my case is undetermined. For the past month, it has said "indicated pending approval." Apparently, Valerie recently changed the code. We need it to say "unfounded."

It has now been 11 days since the hearing. I'm hoping that it is taking longer because Valerie is carefully considering all of the evidence. I am thinking that if she thought my case was cut and dry GUILTY that she would have entered an indicated finding right away. Maybe she is contacting all of the doctors, including XXX's pediatrician. Maybe she is actually investigating this...something Gerry never really did.

So, let's keep praying that God gives Valerie a softened heart and an open mind. For now, I'm going to spend the evening snuggling with my beautiful baby girl!


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10 days...

So, today it's been 10 days. 10 days ago, I testified that I have never hurt my daughter. For the past 10 days, I've been sitting on pins and needles...as I'm sure so many others have on my behalf.

She said she would make a decision in 10-14 days. I'm just praying the letter is sitting in my mailbox when I get off work. It is absolutely awful to have to hold my breath every time I check my mail. I'm sure it will only get worse until the letter arrives.

I just keep praying that Valarie can see the whole picture and make a well informed decision. I just want this nightmare behind me. I just want my beautiful daughter to come home!

6 months ago today, the initial Dcfs report was filed. 6 months ago, today, I was told my beautiful newborn had blood in her brain. 6 months ago, my life changed forever. I will never get these 6 months back!!! 6 months is long enough!!!! Send my baby home!!!


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Our system sucks!

So, I had a meeting today with my caseworker and her supervisor. The caseworker has to observe my visit with XXX once a month. Anyway, during the visit, we talked about Monday's hearing. I asked what will happen once I have the "unfounded" letter in my hand. Will she come home that day? The answer is that nobody knows. I guess my caseworker asked the state's attorney on Monday, and she didn't freaking know. Everyone thinks that I will have to wait until we can go before a judge, and then my attorney will file a motion to have the case dismissed. What sucks even more is that juvenile court is every other Wednesday...so, potentially, I could receive the letter saying my case was unfounded...and have to wait 2 freaking weeks to go before the judge to have the case dismissed (if the letter was received on the thursday after juvenile court!). I freaking hate the system...you know the one that us supposed to do what's best for the children. How the hell is any of this what's best for XXX??!!

Maybe this will be something to add to XXX's Law!



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A way for you to help...

Ok, so I am REALLY, REALLY bad at asking for help!  With that said, sometimes a girl needs a little help from others.  A great friend, who owns PnP Bowtique (find them on Facebook), has decided to do an auction fundraiser for me.  All money raised in the online auction will go directly toward paying attorney fees.  As I posted before, my attorney is $185 an hour.  I have already paid a $2,500 retainer, and that money is quickly dwindeling.  Please do not feel obligated to do anything.  Some people have contacted me privately to ask about how they can donate money, so this is a way.

Jessi is still accepting donations for the event.  The auction will take place this weekend.  There will be an album of pictures, and people will comment under the pictures with their bid for the item.  The highest bid at the end of the auction will win the prize.  I believe that payment will be through paypal.  At the end of the auction, once payments are made, Jessi will directly forward any money raised directly to me.  I am actually making a couple of hair bows for the auction. 

Here is a link to the event: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=209074355786440

Again...I don't want to look like I am being greedy.  It is actually quite humbling for me to even think about asking for help. 

The biggest help people can provide is their constant support!  It means so much to me to have people tell me that they believe me...and that's I'm a good mom! 

Thanks everyone!
xoxo

Her smile turns my frown upside down!

So, I was having a difficult day. I didn't sleep well at all last night. I might have gotten a total of 3-4 hours of broken sleep. I was quite tearful yesterday and again this morning. I'm so overwhelmed with things. I'm trying to stay optimistic, but it doesn't always work. So, as I was driving to see my beautiful XXX tonight, I cried. I just let it out. Then, I wiped my tears and pulled myself together. When I walked through the door, this is what I saw...

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And all was fine! Seeing XXX's huge smile made my tears go away! She saw me, smiled, said, "mama," and life was once again good. Through all of this, I simply need to keep my eye on the prize...XXX is one heck of a prize!!!

10-15 days!

So, the hearing is over. I think it went well. My attorney said I couldn't have done any better. I was clear, concise, and honest. I told the story from start to finish, pointing out all discrepancies in medical reports. I also highlighted relevant research about neonatal intracranial hemorrhage. I pointed to my intensive psychological assessment, which showed that I am at an incredibly low risk of abusing a child. There is a scale they do that points to risk of abuse...216 is considered moderate risk, 160 is mild risk. My score was 44! I showed virtually no risk! She also said I have no cognitive deficits or psychological disorders. She said my parenting skills are superb, and I appear to be very nurturing and loving.

Anyway, I think it went well. At the beginning of the hearing, she told me that after she hears my testimony, she will take 10-15 days to review all evidence and make a determination. So, in two weeks, I'll have an answer. I guess it's already been 5.5 months...what's 2 more weeks?

Until then, keep praying for a soft heart for Valarie...the woman making the decision!!!

For now, I'm going to spend the night snuggling with my beautiful daughter!!!


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Pray, pray, and pray some more!

That's my motto lately! I swear I've prayed more in the past 5 months than I did in my entire life. Maybe God has used this to bring me closer to Him? I don't know!

Many people will be lighting candles and making team XXX signs tomorrow...I'd love to see them! Please email me at XXXXXXXXX

the past few months have been such a struggle. I'm so ready to begin my life again with my beautiful daughter. I so look forward to sleepless nights, a cranky teething baby, and temper tantrums! All I have ever wanted is to be a mom. Dcfs has tried to strip me of that! My baby knows who her mommy is. She looks at me with such love...in a way she doesn't do with anyone else. She was so clingy today. I have to winder if it was her way of telling me she will never let me go...and she will be with me tomorrow.

For tonight, however, I'll go to bed...and pray like I've never prayed before!


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So nervous...and XXXX Law

I'm laying here in bed, getting ready to start my day. I'm so excited...and nervous at the same time. I could potentially get my daughter home tomorrow...which has me thrilled beyond belief. I'm terrified that something will go wrong. Im terrified that someone will once again have forgotten to fill out paperwork. I'm terrified that the new investigator can't see the truth. I'm seriously sick over this.

I think all if the stress has gotten my immune system down. I picked up XXX's cold yesterday. I feel like crap!

I really look forward to the day that I don't wake up with a headache or a terrible stomach ache! That day will come...but how soon?

I am truly amazed by the outpouring of support that I have received. Some people really blow me away with how kind they can be. As a result of coming forward with my story, many others, who have been screwed by the system have contacted me. On glad I'm not alone, but so sad that other's also know what this pain feels like. One mom told me her kids were taken for a year, because of her toddler's bruises. They later found he had a bleeding disorder that causes bruising when the child bumps into something. BTW, that happened at the same hospital XXX was at.

All the more reason for XXX's law! I want a law that mandates second opinions be offered in all cases where medical testing is what DCFS is using to price their case! Doctor's aren't perfect. They call it "practicing medicine" for a reason. The other mom I described, could absolutely have benefitted from a 2nd opinion. The law will also stare that the 2nd opinion should be offered within a week. I've been waiting 5.5 months for my second opinion. I'll have to think through the law I want written more carefully, but I won't back down until it is in place.

Ok, I need to get dressed. I'm meeting Dad, Lori, and Miss XXX at church soon!


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